DOG DAY DIMP: NOVEL
Prologue
Mancspeak
Chapter 1
Extract
PROLOGUE
David Ignacious Montgomery Parker is a one-armed dwarf from inner
city Manchester. Some people call him Davey others call him Dimp
for short. He lives with Zelda, an ageing prostitute, in sin - which
was much the same as living in Kyrosjarvi, Finland, but without
the accompanying angst.
Davey's life was (at the risk of drawing upon a couple of hoary
old horticultural aphorisms) no bed of roses; but then, it was marginally
better than pushing up daisies. He was unemployed and indeed, probably
unemployable – unless, that is, one counted the time at the
Openshaw Job Centre when a helpful claims clerk suggested there
might be an opening for him at the Collyhurst Cleansing Department
where they could tie a rope to his waist and use him as a drain
pull-through.
Davey wasn't sure, but he suspected that this was a case of sarcasm
- but he didn't pursue the matter, he wasn’t really looking
for work and anyway...he didn't like enclosed spaces.
There were a number of things that Davey didn't like. Like high
bar counters and stools, enemas, shoelaces and people who were not
too particular about their level of crotch hygiene. These dislikes
faded into mere insignificance however, when placed alongside the
one great dislike, nay, dread, that cast a mighty black shadow over
his life: dogs. Large dogs, small dogs; dogs that answered to the
name of Butch, Tiger, Fang, Rambo, Pluto or Fluffykins; dogs in
toilet roll commercials; dogs that wore deputy sheriff badges. ALL
DOGS.
It wasn't really a phobia. Phobias are generally born of irrational
fears and built upon the rickety foundations of erroneous beliefs
and/or insufficient or illogically compiled data. In Davey's case,
Fate, not content with dealing him a deuce in the height stakes,
had compounded the matter by restricting him to a single hand. As
a six-year-old, a starving Alsation had ripped his left arm off
when he and some of the other neighbourhood kids had raided a car
scrapyard in Ancoats in search of VW badges to flog as pendants.
© Peter Clayfield, May 2005
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Mancspeak
Chapter 1
Extract
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