TECHIES, TRAIN AND TIDE TABLES
Are you tippy-toeing blindfold along the twanging
tightrope of technology? Are you, like me, semi computer comatose?
Do you have great difficulty differentiating between RAM’s,
ROM’s, DRAM’s and PROM’s? Do binary signals and
multi-valued analogue levels scramble your neural networks?
If so, perhaps you should consider joining a new
Association, the League of Latter Day Luddites (El El De El for
short) information on which, has just landed on my mat.
Now some of you out there, busily munching on your
Megabytes, might see fit to brand this El El De El as a bunch of
reactionary misfits. ‘You can’t stop progress’,
you’ll be saying. ‘Information Technology is making
us super efficient’, you’ll be saying. ‘Computers
are doing jobs a hundred times quicker than mere mortals –
and they are alleviating the strains and stresses associated with
onerous working practices.’
Oh yeah? Well I’m not so sure that this
El El De El hasn’t got something here. For instance: what
about the consequences of this stress reduction? What about all
those doctors, pharmacists and councillors who will be put out of
work when vallium prescriptions tumble and grumbling ulcers subside
and die? What about all those faithful dogs that have grown accustomed
to a friendly kick as the master or mistress storms through the
door? And spouses, what about them? How will they react to suddenly
laid back partners? With suspicion, that’s what. Wives will
begin to examine jacket shoulders for blonde hairs. Husbands will
be up at the crack of dawn to check if there are any billet-douxs
on the doorstep along with the bottles of semi-skimmed.
Now, in spite of these warnings, I know that there
will still be those of you who remain unconvinced; some of you who
will shake your head sadly and mutter ‘He’s two bits
short of a byte.’ Although my initial reaction to such a put
down would be to figuratively cast such persons adrift upon the
sea of their own smugness - from whence they would surely sail off
the edge of the World into oblivion – basic humanitarianism
prevails. Instead, I will take a lead from the El wotsit and offer
them some avuncular advice. Advice which may help them to cope with
the crushing boredom that will almost certainly result from the
abandonment of long established Luddite principles – and the
apparent headlong stampede to obtain technological gew-gaws.
Tips for bored Techies
There is nothing like a good read to dispel the miasma
of galloping ennui brought on by having too much free time on one’s
hands. Here then is a short selection of tomes guaranteed to be
un-put-down able.
UK Tide Tables (volume XXV1, 1937/39)
Packed with riveting information, this engrossing volume will, thanks
to some very interesting lunar variations of the period, keep the
reader spellbound from page 1 right through to page 897! For instance,
should the reader wish to know ‘High Tide – Bognor Regis,
November 17, 1937’ all he/she need do is look up ‘High
Tide – Bognor Regis, November 17, 1937’ in the index…
and voila! There’s the answer!
Verdict: a cracking read this and extremely good
value at 3s.9p.
House of Lords Debates (1865/1903 –
15 volumes)
Well! What can one say about this unique collection that has not
been said many, many times before? Fifteen volumes, Euro calf bound,
illuminated headings, gold leaf edged – a treasury of scintillating
wit, a cornucopia of cut and thrust. It is all there: from the ‘Welsh
Footpaths and Bridle Ways’ debate of 1898 and the 1901 ‘Anglo-Latvian
Leather Goods’ trade agreement’ right through to the
‘Rehabilitation of Pit Canaries’ act of 1903.
Verdict: a little on the expensive side at £847.16s.3d;
but like everything else in life – one gets what one pays
for!
Punjab Train Timetables, 1949/53 (5 volumes)
A terrific opportunity this to brush up one one’s Punjabi,
Kashmiri and Urdu – while at the same time gaining hours of
enjoyment from studying the comings and goings of a veritable regiment
of ancient Puffers as they chug along plying their business between
such exotic and varied destinations as Jallundur, Gurdaspur, Hoshiarpur
and… Firzopur.
Verdict: Probably the best 14 rupees one could
ever spend!
For the more energetic…
For the Techie whose pleasures derive from more physical pursuits
here are a couple of absorbing little pastimes, either of which
will reduce boredom to an eminently tolerable level:
Knot Tying
Find a handy piece of string or cable (I suggest you rip out the
nearest PC lead) and see how many types of knot one can produce
in say, seven hours. Good fun this and one can even introduce an
element of competition by challenging a colleague to better one’s
efforts!
Cat’s Cradle Making
Once again, find a handy piece of string (unfortunately PC leads
are too thick for this one – although a telephone flex might
do at a pinch) and away one goes! A great test of skill and dexterity
this, and designed to stimulate the cerebellum and basal ganglia
(the amygdala, putamen, globus pallidus and caudate neuron clusters)
into feverish activity. Just the thing to rouse one from a state
of boredom induced catatonia!
It’s not too late!
The foregoing good advice is intended for those obstinate parties
who can not be dissuaded from their eccentric pursuit of things
technological. For the rest…it is not too late. Repent now
and the El El De El will, apparently, allow you to join the League
for a cut price annual membership of only three guineas.
P.S. I would provide you with
contact details for the League, but unfortunately, for some reason
they have not put a telephone, fax, e-mail or website number on
their letter heading…
© Peter Clayfield, September 2005
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Techies, Trains
& Tide Tables
Wo-Men
Ass-inine Articulations
Antithetical Assertions
(Or: Antithesis Rules - OK?)
Time Trotters,
Twisters and Terpsichorean Teenagers
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